The Contest
A Great American Demolition Derby
Everyday leading up to October 1 - and everyday since - they meet for the contest at the straightaway: a long and straight stretch of road, where you can see for miles in any direction.
The GOP is on one end of the road, and they rev up their old school muscle car, the engine snarling madly. Underneath the loud growl of a big block engine, an astute listener can hear the actual guzzle of gasoline happening - like Homer chugging some Duff - and those in the business of selling oil rejoice!
On the other side of the track is the much more modern, scientifically minded electric car of the Democrats. They wouldn’t rev the engine even if they knew how because it would just waste the battery and strategically adds no value to their chance of victory. For seemingly no reason at all this car has blue hair. The car waits in anticipation, making no sound at all, with visions of a future where their preferred energy companies are making all the big energy bucks instead of the giant oil companies.
The referee stands on a large fire tower in the middle of this stretch of road, though off the road itself and situated among the onlookers. On both sides of the road are millions of people - many exhausted from endless work and stress, sick from malnutrition and a healthcare-for-profit system that just pumps them for every penny like some sort of cash cow. They are all watching the referee, hoping and praying that this will be the last time we are forced to watch the contest. The referee speaks through a megaphone, “On my mark! Ready! Set!” And before the referee can even say “go” both cars are spinning wheels like Scooby Doo when he sees a ghost, eventually each grabbing the road and hurtling at each other full speed.
The GOP isn’t going to deviate. Their car is a classic, tried and true, proven over years and miles. Maybe it isn’t the most efficient, but it’s straightforward and it has worked pretty damn well for years! They will crush their opponents and make them bow to their might!
The Democrats aren’t going to move. They have modernity on their side, and the science has spoken to them and told them they have the superior vehicle and the GOP should yield to their mighty concepts and move into the future. Their opponents will never win, and will ultimately surrender to the superior design!
Both sides are hopelessly and shamelessly committed to their positions with a moral certainty that even the most devout cults would admire. Neither budges and they both hurl themselves at each other recklessly, meeting eventually on the track in a large crash!
After the crash, an eerie silence is cast onto the onlookers who are mostly watching with bated breath, leaning in to see what they can see, awaiting a decision on the contest. When the dust settles we all behold a sight that may sound strange to the uninitiated but is commonplace for those who come to watch the contest everyday - no injuries, no damage to either vehicle, and ultimately no decision today.
The GOP and the Democrats all get out of their cars, and exchange some dirty looks and hurtful words with each other, before each taking a turn to appeal to the crowd for cheers that never come from real people but are somehow broadcast from a mysterious origin for all present to hear and experience. After that very brief performance, both sides went home to their security. Food on the table. Healthcare when needed. No notices from the water company or the electric company. A paycheck that doesn’t stop coming even when you don’t do anything for it. Sweetheart deals from big businesses. Lobbying money from big lobbies. Adulation from the haves.
Disappointed, the onlookers in the crowd go home. Some of them had all of their money on that race, gambling their well-being on the outcome of the contest, and now they return to less than they had before. Others had an aloof interest, enjoying a semi-detachment from the immediate aftermath of the contest and mainly interested in the intellectual assessment of which car is actually a better design. Others still were watching and hoping that both cars were destroyed so that we could see some new cars in action going forward, accepting the one fact that wakes up with us all everyday and goes to sleep with us all every night: the competitors don’t care about the contest at all, and the contest doesn’t end.